My feelings today encompass a full range, which is typical for me, but wasn't always so.
My focus over the last few years has been to build the skills to allow myself (emotions, feelings, thoughts) to exist all at once; to be a human being and not a human "doing". My secret hope - really longing - behind this effort was to be able to connect with people in ways I wasn't capable of before because of my own limitations due to (sometimes) debilitating psychobiological processes.
After arriving at that awareness, I began to understand that possibly the way I interacted with myself and the world around me wasn't optimal, because I finally realized that it was more about my own preservation than progress, contribution or connection because I had built my life around both preventing and alleviating pain (mine and others).
I wrote an email to myself in January of 2020 stating, "I want to be resilient enough to endure all of life's realities."
You write, " I also find myself vacillating between those emotions (hope) and deep, uncertain fear." And included the relatable tender anecdote about your dog being close to you at night amidst consistent uncertainty during the day.
That is exactly what I meant about enduring all of life's realities. It's a constant breach of the internal world from the external perception (reality) and then wrestling with intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
When people say, "It's always been hard." My initial reaction is always anger because of the simple fact that we are the first ever humans to live with the internet and iphones! Ignoring that or diminishing that is irresponsible. It is also contemptuous to pretend like just because we are not the first people to be humans doesn't mean this isn't our (individual) initial experience as *a* human navigating our modern culture.
But when I apply that statement to the concept of enduring life's realities, it fits. Because we are all limited to our own experiences and identify with the feelings they bring and cannot erase those feelings just because our external reality looks different than a different generation (nor should we be shamed into doing so.)
You write, "The world seems right. And yet it isn’t. It couldn’t be further from being right."
That so perfectly captures exactly how I think about reality, too. That it's possibly a string of tender moments at best or dissociative ones at the worst of the best, all in the midst of chaos because we are all at the mercy of bartering our realities with each other.
That's a little bit depressing, but in my opinion leans more strongly towards hope because amidst the chaos and bartering, our instincts to connect are powerful and continue to exist regardless of authoritarianism within interpersonal dynamics of family and other relationships, or larger systems like government.
Thanks again for another thoughtful/thought provoking post. In the spirit of connection, I appreciate your thoughtfulness, vulnerability and efforts to create a place I can go to learn and share and grow.
Catherine - thanks so much again for your thoughtful comments. I'm so grateful to you. Always. It makes it worthwhile to express my vulnerability when I receive a response like the one above.
I learn so much from you, too. So, please, when you do write on your own Substack, don't forget to send it my way!
I am very exhausted. I should sleep more. The number of nights since the inauguration where I have had more than 5 hours of sleep is less than 10. Right now, I could go to sleep again for some time, but I try to... I don't know. Guess keep up with the pace. Which is of course more than anyone can handle, I wouldn't beat myself up about it if I went to bed again now. Still.
The past days I have been thinking a lot about the notion of Lines of Flight in Deleuze and Guattari and how I am firmly convinced that we are in a situation that is intrinsically unstable. I haven't been a believer in that myself, but in the Nineties there was an option to think that your kids and grandkids might grow up in a similar environment as you. As if there was some sort of potential notion of progress trajectory that could be followed. I don't even see the option to believe that. However these things will play out, things are acutely in motion and I think how we manage to influence this movement in these days is extremely sensitive in terms of whether or not we will be able to avoid civilizational collapse. Oh well.
I once wrote against the theory of technological determinism and now with AI it turns out that that theory of history is finally coming true. But people are right I think, things did suck in the past , depending for who and where. Now we are exposed to everything not just what it says in the local paper and Walter Cronkite and not just in our local manor and village so we burn from the info. Gaza will end. Ukraine will end . Trump will end. Climate change will fuck us up for a long time but maybe not forever. Things will never be alright but there’s at least a chance, as you wrote, that they won’t always be all wrong. Enjoy the breeze and your dog.
He’s absolutely right — this is “normal history,” but then I think about the climate crisis on top of everything else, and that just leaves me… well, overwhelmed. It’s just one of those days for me.
Our species has survived existential threats before, a bunch in prehistory. But, yes, that doesn't necessarily inform how one feels at any given moment about the current polycrisis.
Yes, it also gives me hope that I'm not alone in my resistance to this government trying to assert its authoritarian tentacles everywhere. However, I also worry about it interfering in the affairs of other countries, as you mentioned.
My feelings today encompass a full range, which is typical for me, but wasn't always so.
My focus over the last few years has been to build the skills to allow myself (emotions, feelings, thoughts) to exist all at once; to be a human being and not a human "doing". My secret hope - really longing - behind this effort was to be able to connect with people in ways I wasn't capable of before because of my own limitations due to (sometimes) debilitating psychobiological processes.
After arriving at that awareness, I began to understand that possibly the way I interacted with myself and the world around me wasn't optimal, because I finally realized that it was more about my own preservation than progress, contribution or connection because I had built my life around both preventing and alleviating pain (mine and others).
I wrote an email to myself in January of 2020 stating, "I want to be resilient enough to endure all of life's realities."
You write, " I also find myself vacillating between those emotions (hope) and deep, uncertain fear." And included the relatable tender anecdote about your dog being close to you at night amidst consistent uncertainty during the day.
That is exactly what I meant about enduring all of life's realities. It's a constant breach of the internal world from the external perception (reality) and then wrestling with intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
When people say, "It's always been hard." My initial reaction is always anger because of the simple fact that we are the first ever humans to live with the internet and iphones! Ignoring that or diminishing that is irresponsible. It is also contemptuous to pretend like just because we are not the first people to be humans doesn't mean this isn't our (individual) initial experience as *a* human navigating our modern culture.
But when I apply that statement to the concept of enduring life's realities, it fits. Because we are all limited to our own experiences and identify with the feelings they bring and cannot erase those feelings just because our external reality looks different than a different generation (nor should we be shamed into doing so.)
You write, "The world seems right. And yet it isn’t. It couldn’t be further from being right."
That so perfectly captures exactly how I think about reality, too. That it's possibly a string of tender moments at best or dissociative ones at the worst of the best, all in the midst of chaos because we are all at the mercy of bartering our realities with each other.
That's a little bit depressing, but in my opinion leans more strongly towards hope because amidst the chaos and bartering, our instincts to connect are powerful and continue to exist regardless of authoritarianism within interpersonal dynamics of family and other relationships, or larger systems like government.
Thanks again for another thoughtful/thought provoking post. In the spirit of connection, I appreciate your thoughtfulness, vulnerability and efforts to create a place I can go to learn and share and grow.
Catherine - thanks so much again for your thoughtful comments. I'm so grateful to you. Always. It makes it worthwhile to express my vulnerability when I receive a response like the one above.
I learn so much from you, too. So, please, when you do write on your own Substack, don't forget to send it my way!
😃 Thank you! And, your vulnerability on here creates impact 💪🏻.
I am very exhausted. I should sleep more. The number of nights since the inauguration where I have had more than 5 hours of sleep is less than 10. Right now, I could go to sleep again for some time, but I try to... I don't know. Guess keep up with the pace. Which is of course more than anyone can handle, I wouldn't beat myself up about it if I went to bed again now. Still.
The past days I have been thinking a lot about the notion of Lines of Flight in Deleuze and Guattari and how I am firmly convinced that we are in a situation that is intrinsically unstable. I haven't been a believer in that myself, but in the Nineties there was an option to think that your kids and grandkids might grow up in a similar environment as you. As if there was some sort of potential notion of progress trajectory that could be followed. I don't even see the option to believe that. However these things will play out, things are acutely in motion and I think how we manage to influence this movement in these days is extremely sensitive in terms of whether or not we will be able to avoid civilizational collapse. Oh well.
Venceremos, friends.
Yes, it's exhausting, and that's their aim—to exhaust us. That's the whole method behind "flooding the zone with shit," as you and I are aware.
We do have options. They're just clouded over right now with lots of ominous forces. But we do, and I also have to remind myself of that.
Hang in there, friend, and I'll try to do the same.
And you didn’t even mention AI.
You're right. I didn't.
I once wrote against the theory of technological determinism and now with AI it turns out that that theory of history is finally coming true. But people are right I think, things did suck in the past , depending for who and where. Now we are exposed to everything not just what it says in the local paper and Walter Cronkite and not just in our local manor and village so we burn from the info. Gaza will end. Ukraine will end . Trump will end. Climate change will fuck us up for a long time but maybe not forever. Things will never be alright but there’s at least a chance, as you wrote, that they won’t always be all wrong. Enjoy the breeze and your dog.
Democracies aren't all doomed to be eroded everywhere and even the ecological crises may be manageable.
I try to bear those possibilities in mind.
Very true. Very true.
I see this piece is in a related vein.
https://open.substack.com/pub/mikebrock/p/from-fear-to-fidelity-how-to-live
He’s absolutely right — this is “normal history,” but then I think about the climate crisis on top of everything else, and that just leaves me… well, overwhelmed. It’s just one of those days for me.
Our species has survived existential threats before, a bunch in prehistory. But, yes, that doesn't necessarily inform how one feels at any given moment about the current polycrisis.
Yes, it also gives me hope that I'm not alone in my resistance to this government trying to assert its authoritarian tentacles everywhere. However, I also worry about it interfering in the affairs of other countries, as you mentioned.